Asylum Earth

AND'S, IF'S, OR'S AND BUTTS . . .

Well, from that point of view . . .

Walking through a Bangkok mall with my new Thai wife, a young lady passed by and while ever so slightly distracted my mind searched for the perfect definition or poetic words to describe exactly my thoughts at the moment, when, to my surprise, my wife looked up, and speaking in rather good English, said, “Nice Butt!” Well, I have to tell you, a feeling of profound exhilaration came over me as I looked at her in all innocents and said, “Where, dear?” For then, at that very moment, I realized where my life had gone so terribly wrong (and it only took me 54 years!). It dawned on me why I had come to the mountain and worshiped with the great Monks of Asia. Why I had forsaken all my worldly goods (well, they were in storage), left family and friends and traveled half way around the globe in search of the inner-me. Why I had struggled to learn a completely new language and forged an unbreakable bond with a culturally unique sole-mate for the waning years of my life . . . I AM . . . A BUTT MAN!

All these years of pain and anguish, the lies, the hurt, broken relationships, fractured friendships, so many questions unanswered . . . until now! In two simple words, the wisdom of a mere child, had summed up a hidden passion I was simply not able to bring to the surface before . . . “Nice Butt!” I wanted to shout it from the roof tops, “NICE BUTT, NICE BUTT!” Why hadn’t I seen the signs, where were the doctors and experts when I was floundering from one relationship to another? All these years I kept this deep dark secrete under the guise that I was, indeed, a breast man (Oh, I shudder to think of the lives I ruined . . .). Who knew? I didn’t, I thought, coming from a long line of mammary obsessed males, that I too was a boob guy. How confusing it must have been for those with me in the most private of moments, thinking that they possessed the perfect object(s) of my passion, when, in fact, I longed for the perfect mounds of posterior proportions.

Life is a series of learning experiences and I, currently working on my Ph.D., Masters, and Doctorate in human anatomy, had just seen the light. I now realized why I had traveled all these years. Nobody really liked me at home . . . but I digress. I had been searching for the missing element in my life . . . a nice butt. Now, under the mistaken impression that I was, indeed, a breast man, I had been, shall we say, overindulged with a wealth of bazooms in my day. But, something was missing. I would live a life roaming the planet until I found the Holy Grail (which if you are wondering, is a panty manufacturer in Italy).

I looked all over Europe, Canada, Mexico, South America, Australia, New Zealand, The Middle East (nice, but have you seen there Mother’s?), and yes, all 50 of the United States. However, not until I stood in that Bangkok mall, did I notice that there was something magical about Thailand. Actually I had noticed a couple of Thai Air flight attendants on the trip over, but I blocked it out as an aberration. Let me tell you one thing, my friend, it is no aberration . . . Thailand is chock full of nice butts! Holy molly, millions of really, really nice butts.

Without realizing it, in coming to Thailand, I had begun the quest for the perfect butt. I looked low and lower, let’s face it, (and I was) where are you going to find the perfect tush, it ain’t above the waist, last I checked. I soon discovered that it was much easier looking at butts than boobs anyway . . . you are behind (Oh, stop it!) the subject, so no embarrassing eye contact (unless, of course, you’re too close) and you tend to not do absolutely stupid things while looking at butts . . . well, there were the 8 ladies rooms I walked into and the unpleasant incident at the Spa, but you should have seen my record as a boob watcher.

My mind flashed back to the day I met my wife and I realized what truly set her apart from all the other women in my life. There it, errrr she, was, a picture that would have made the top melon farmer in Brazil proud. Right before my eyes, a vision packed in a pair of jeans that made Madonna look like Roseanne. My world turned upside down (Ok, I passed out, but it got her attention!). She just looked at me with those beautiful eyes, I’m sure she had eyes, they all do, but I had other things to look at. Then she spoke to me, . . . “So, what’s your point?” Huh? Are you crazy? I knew that she loved me and I loved it, errrr, her. All I could think about was my under-pants in the same drawer with her knickers. It also dawned on me that if that were the case, we would be naked, but that was secondary to the pants together part.

Well, I am now a perfectly happy camper in the knowledge of who I really am (a butt pervert instead of a boob pervert, so, what’s your point?). I can also now understand how frustrated the other women of the world have been, trying to fit into pants that were obviously designed for these perfect Thai butts. They don’t even have to try them on . . . Their all the same size, small! Now I understand why Thai men are so short . . . better view!

I now have a mission in life. I want to start a movement aimed at closing all McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Huts in Thailand. We simply cannot have these money hungry, imperialist, western organizations adding to, shall we say, the Thai “bottom line.” Why ruin the last bastion of true “eye candy” in the world, weren’t the temples enough? Our organization will go by the initials, G.R.O.P.E., which stands, well, for nothing; it’s just what I think about when confronted (or behinded as it were) by these Asian delicacies (hey, when I come out . . . I come out!).

Now, if you really are a bust kind of guy, there can be some long days in the land of smiles, as the “Living Bra” is on the endangered list there. You know the old saying, “When given lemons, make lemonade,” well, now there was one sick puppy, I say, “Hey, I wanted nice butts, take those lemons and stick ‘em up yours!” What’s that all about? . . .

And, what can I give back to this great land in return for allowing me to find the rump roast of my life? Here’s a suggestion . . . when Thailand gets tired of their current slogan, “Amazing Thailand,” just adopt . . . “Thailand, land of great butts!”

Works for me!

Murder By Suicide . . .

YOU JUST GOTTA LOVE THIS PLACE
Only in Bangkok . . . “Agriculture Official Found Dead With Throat Slashed, Suicide Suspected" . . . (Bangkok Post, home section, Wednesday, April 4, 2001). Seems that a senior agriculture official was found dead with his throat slashed in his office yesterday morning. “The body . . . was found with his throat and his left wrist severely slashed. He also had several deep cuts on his chest. A blood-stained cutter was found under a couch and four neckties, which were cut up, were found in a dust bin. There was no sign of a struggle and no valuable items were reported missing.”



Let me get this straight, the guy attacked himself? And, when he apparently couldn’t make himself mad enough to finish the job by stabbing himself in the heart, he began to cut up his favorite ties and really pissed himself off! Then, he slashes his own wrist, shouts, “I’ll kill myself, you bastard,” and cuts his own throat? And, making sure that he won’t bleed all over the place, therefore making it look like a struggle took place, he puts the pieces of the ties in the trash can and places the knife under the couch and very calmly sat down and died.



Oh, and by the way . . . the police did state that they had not ruled out murder and would investigate further. I can just see the headline next week . . . “Dead man to be tried for killing self, government to ask for life in prison.”

SCHOOL DAZE . . .

Out of the mouths of babe’s or, as it would seem in Thailand, into the mouths of babe’s . . .

Searching for an example of progressive thinking in Thailand doesn’t normally mean you have to dig very far into a local newspaper. If for some reason you do not believe me, you can go to the Bangkok Post online and read a front page article dated, Thursday, February 12, 2003, and titled . . . “Schools told to lay off wine.” I’m as serious as a hemorrhoid on a bull rider.

An enlightened local politician looking for an angle has decided to question the governments program of . . . “encouraging primary and secondary schools to have their students make and sell wines! He goes on to say that he had seen it personally and that, . . . “Students even proudly showed me their products.”

Seems that for some time the Thai government has had a program called, “One School-One Product Project” and that they reasoned that if the students couldn’t make and sell alcohol they and their parents would possibly purchase hooch manufactured by a school in a different country. Obviously this logic was well crafted by some highly placed government official coming off an award winning two week bender and you can bet it sounded like a hell of an idea at the time . . .

But, back to our crusading spoil sport . . . Given that the little tikes had cups of alcohol at their desks, he again reasoned that there was a modicum of a possibility that they might develop a drinking habit. Well . . . let’s raise a good old fashion third grade toast to this genius. Then again . . . not so fast.

He goes on to say (and don’t they always go on saying something?) that at other schools, like the Rajabhat Institute and Rajamangala Institute of Technology, most of the students are over 18, so, “I have no problem if they produce local liquors for sale.” Well, hell, most are over 18, after all. My bet is that if you take the alcohol away from them, most won’t be able to pronounce the name of their school.

Not wanting to leave the youth with nothing to do, he goes on to say that the primary and secondary schools should instead make products like fruit-flavored ice cream or even desserts for sale to tourists, which would allow them to improve their communication skills. The thought of telling the students to read a book and suggesting the tourists go look at a monument just never occurred, I suppose . . .

Not to be sidelined, an opposing government official explained the plan as the perfect solution to the countries drinking problem. A major national study had revealed that in fatal auto accidents 50% were caused by drunk drivers. Therefore it stood to reason that 50% were being caused by sober drivers. Looking at those statistics it was easy to see that drunk drivers were running into sober drivers. Well . . . that’s the answer, drunk drivers never ran into other drunk drivers, so just get the sober folk off the road. And the best way to do that would be to start them from an early age and make sure everyone is always drunk! Now why would anyone question the wisdom of that? And to boot, we can make money off those pesky tourists at the same time! What’s not to like?

OH WILL IT EVER STOP . . .
Just when it seemed that the Thai government was setting a straight and narrow path for the elementary and Jr. High students, they unveiled a cure that isn’t covered by any twelve-step program I ever heard of. Again, I really do not go looking for these articles, they are front page news in Bangkok. So, let’s take a look at an entire country’s education system giving new meaning to the phrase; “Bringing the mountain to Mohammed . . .” (“Disco Tours for Schools,” Bangkok Post, Friday, 14th 2003 . . . )

As last we had seen little Johnny and Jane, they were just finishing 3rd period mash fermentation class and were headed for 4th period Tequila testing. Thinking, “Now, just how much better could this get,” they were interrupted by the Thai Deputy Education Minister, Sirikorn Maneerin who announced that . . . “primary and secondary teachers will be allowed to take students on study tours to discotheques, to explain the downside of nightlife.” And what did we have? The PTA!

Deputy Maneerin said teachers would work with local Police to organize the tours and use the opportunity to point out to youngsters the bad repercussions of indulging to excess. Now, it may just be me, but doesn’t the mere fact that you have to get the Police involved in setting up your tour make even a single bell go off in anyone’s head here? And I can see the point getting through to a group of pre-teens who are already making their own alcohol . . . And don’t worry, while your explaining the downside of nightlife, they will be noticing the upside plenty . . .

The project had been given the name, “Teachers and Police understand teenagers”, Mrs. Sirikorn said, . . . Haven’t a clue about why they have an education system in the first place, but they have figured out that teenagers like booze and sex! Us? We call it American TV.

And . . . just in case they are not able to find enough discotheques in Bangkok, they go on to say that the students will be allowed to set them up at their schools to meet youngsters’ social needs . . . the patients have truly taken over the asylum. I can see their new school motto now, “We may turn out drunken idiots, but attendance is 100% and we practically have to make them go home”

To align any fears that parents might have, they further state that the students would be encouraged to run these model discotheques within guidelines set by the teachers, you know, the teachers that taught you to swirl the wine before taking a nose hit.

They would, the article trudges forward with, have areas for dancing and singing with similar lighting and sound effects to commercial discotheques. Well, that takes care of that. There is now really no need to worry about latch key kids becoming a problem in Thailand, they’ve had about all the liquor and sex they can stand by the time they get home.

Stay tuned for the Thai Prime Minister when he announces how proud he is of the new course in Bordello 101 being introduced so they can show the kids that that is not any fun either . . .