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T. Michael Barclay's "Asylum Earth" takes a slightly different look at people, places and events that shape the planet we are confined to. It's overwhelming evidence that the patients are indeed running the asylum.
Monday, November 24, 2003
AN IDIOTS LAW –
Not Your Average Gourd . . .
I’ve never been particularly political motivated and for the most part figured we had more ‘laws’ than we really needed. I have changed my mind.
Looking around at some of the more bizarre things going on, I am astonished at the amount of time, money and resources we expend on people and circumstances that could easily fit into one simple category and be settled for the betterment of all and, reduce the national debt at the same time. I believe we need an ‘Idiot’s’ law.
Now, before you get ahead of me, I understand that in order to get an Idiot’s law you would have to have a bill pass through two government institutions that abide the very essence of the term. However, think about it, who better to pass judgment on the validity of such a law than people with the most experience? If you want to fix a toilet, you call a plumber. If you want to refinish the outside of your house, you call a painter. Who better to determine the structure of an Idiot’s law than two chambers full of them? Getting it signed into law is a foregone conclusion . . .
I don’t rule myself out of this process either. Believe me, I have more than enough experience and expertise to be appointed to the independent council of advisors. The silent majority have nothing on us. It is high time we were heard from and put a stop to all this lunacy. It’s a law whose time has come.
First, we have to have the wording for the law. Let’s look up the word idiot; “id-i-ot, Function; noun, Date; 14th century, 1: a person affected with idiocy; especially: a feebleminded person having a mental age not exceeding three years and requiring complete custodial care. 2: a foolish or stupid person – idiot adjective.”
Well, works for me. I see no need to change any of the wording, let’s make it law and retroactive if possible.
Here is how it is going to work; you are not going to have any attorney’s or a jury, a giant waste of time and money. You are simply going to have a judge, a desk, couple of chairs and a big basket. When the people who fit the profile are seated before the judge, he will simply ask them their name. Assuming that they can get that correct, the judge will simple announce; “You’re an idiot!”
He will then asses the punishment by adding; “How much money do you have? Put it in the basket!”
A bailiff may add, “Ca-ching”, but that’s optional.
Why on earth spend all the time and money dragging these things out for years when everyone knows the one or both parties in these circumstances are idiots and a general waste of space? Using only a couple of examples you can see how appropriate this law is. Let’s get started . . .
Judge: “Your name?”
Defendant: “Kobe Br . . .
Judge: “You’re an idiot! How much money do you have?”
Defendant: “About $50 milli . . .
Judge: “Put it in the basket.”
Bailiff: “Ca-ching, next!”
Judge: “Your name? Oh, that’s right, we cannot reveal you name. No problem, young lady, you’re an idiot. How much money do you have?”
Plaintiff: “Maybe $200 dol . . .
Judge: “Put it in the basket.”
Bailiff: “Ca-ching, next?”
Judge: “Your name?”
Defendant: “Paris Hilto . . .”
Judge: “You’re an idiot, how much money do you have?”
Defendant: “Close to $300 millio . . “
Judge: “Put it in the basket!”
Bailiff: “Ch-ching, next?”
Judge: “Your name?”
Plaintiff: “Rick Solomon.”
Judge: “Who?”
Plaintiff: “Well, sir, well, errrr, her ex boyfrie . . .”
Judge: “You’re an idiot, how much money do you have?”
Plaintiff: “$28 dollars and a coupon for fr . . .”
Judge: “Put it in the basket!”
Bailiff: “Next?”
See where I going here? This all took about five minutes, we freed up hours of TV dribble and pages of newspaper babble and knocked off about a half-billion of the national debt.
And, I’m so proud because it’s obvious that only an idiot could have come up with this idea. I wish Mom and Dad were here to see this.
T. Michael Barclay
Not Your Average Gourd . . .
I’ve never been particularly political motivated and for the most part figured we had more ‘laws’ than we really needed. I have changed my mind.
Looking around at some of the more bizarre things going on, I am astonished at the amount of time, money and resources we expend on people and circumstances that could easily fit into one simple category and be settled for the betterment of all and, reduce the national debt at the same time. I believe we need an ‘Idiot’s’ law.
Now, before you get ahead of me, I understand that in order to get an Idiot’s law you would have to have a bill pass through two government institutions that abide the very essence of the term. However, think about it, who better to pass judgment on the validity of such a law than people with the most experience? If you want to fix a toilet, you call a plumber. If you want to refinish the outside of your house, you call a painter. Who better to determine the structure of an Idiot’s law than two chambers full of them? Getting it signed into law is a foregone conclusion . . .
I don’t rule myself out of this process either. Believe me, I have more than enough experience and expertise to be appointed to the independent council of advisors. The silent majority have nothing on us. It is high time we were heard from and put a stop to all this lunacy. It’s a law whose time has come.
First, we have to have the wording for the law. Let’s look up the word idiot; “id-i-ot, Function; noun, Date; 14th century, 1: a person affected with idiocy; especially: a feebleminded person having a mental age not exceeding three years and requiring complete custodial care. 2: a foolish or stupid person – idiot adjective.”
Well, works for me. I see no need to change any of the wording, let’s make it law and retroactive if possible.
Here is how it is going to work; you are not going to have any attorney’s or a jury, a giant waste of time and money. You are simply going to have a judge, a desk, couple of chairs and a big basket. When the people who fit the profile are seated before the judge, he will simply ask them their name. Assuming that they can get that correct, the judge will simple announce; “You’re an idiot!”
He will then asses the punishment by adding; “How much money do you have? Put it in the basket!”
A bailiff may add, “Ca-ching”, but that’s optional.
Why on earth spend all the time and money dragging these things out for years when everyone knows the one or both parties in these circumstances are idiots and a general waste of space? Using only a couple of examples you can see how appropriate this law is. Let’s get started . . .
Judge: “Your name?”
Defendant: “Kobe Br . . .
Judge: “You’re an idiot! How much money do you have?”
Defendant: “About $50 milli . . .
Judge: “Put it in the basket.”
Bailiff: “Ca-ching, next!”
Judge: “Your name? Oh, that’s right, we cannot reveal you name. No problem, young lady, you’re an idiot. How much money do you have?”
Plaintiff: “Maybe $200 dol . . .
Judge: “Put it in the basket.”
Bailiff: “Ca-ching, next?”
Judge: “Your name?”
Defendant: “Paris Hilto . . .”
Judge: “You’re an idiot, how much money do you have?”
Defendant: “Close to $300 millio . . “
Judge: “Put it in the basket!”
Bailiff: “Ch-ching, next?”
Judge: “Your name?”
Plaintiff: “Rick Solomon.”
Judge: “Who?”
Plaintiff: “Well, sir, well, errrr, her ex boyfrie . . .”
Judge: “You’re an idiot, how much money do you have?”
Plaintiff: “$28 dollars and a coupon for fr . . .”
Judge: “Put it in the basket!”
Bailiff: “Next?”
See where I going here? This all took about five minutes, we freed up hours of TV dribble and pages of newspaper babble and knocked off about a half-billion of the national debt.
And, I’m so proud because it’s obvious that only an idiot could have come up with this idea. I wish Mom and Dad were here to see this.
T. Michael Barclay
Thursday, November 20, 2003
I SLEPT WITH MICHAEL JACKSON –
Now give me a million dollars . . .
Something happened in my local area last week that sort of gave me hope in humankind. The police were called to a house because of loud noise. When they arrived they discovered fifty or more teenagers involved in a rather public ‘rave’. Upon further examination, they found the teenage daughter of the homeowner with alcohol. They promptly fined her Mother $1,000. My guess is that this will not happen again in either of their lives.
What exactly does this have to do with Michael Jackson, a whole lot! I do not sit in judgment of Mr. Jackson as I do not personally know him. However, considering the amount of smoke that emanates from his presence, I would not send a child of mine for a sleep-over at his house just to see if there was really a fire there.
This got me thinking about the profile of parents who would tuck a sleeping bag and a toothbrush under their child’s arm and drop them off at the front gate of Neverland. Not since the Marquis de Sade have I seen a group of people snatch disaster directly from the clutches of safety as much as the parents involved in these incidences. Who are these people and what other forms of distorted logic are they submitting their children to?
My survey shows that 12% of these parents were ‘crash test’ dummies, 28% were fuse testers in dynamite factories, 15 % participated in at least one demolition derby, 17% were rodeo clowns, 25% appeared on the Jerry Springer show, Two are still holding tickets for flights on the Hindenburg and one was an attorney, but had a change of heart and became a ‘bung-hole’ inspector at a brewery.
Need someone to test if you have the correct length for your ‘bungee’ cord? I’ve got some phone numbers in California for you to call. Testing children’s clothes for fire retardation? Look no further. Want to know how long a child can withstand an attack by a pack of Pit Bulls? Do you have room for a long line of volunteers?
Now, you say, can it really be as bad as all that? There are those, you add, that have come to the defense of Mr. Jackson. Let’s take a look at that:
First you offer that model of stability, Macaulay Culkin, whose Father is now working at that brewery I believe. They named him after a bird for Christ’s sake, be it a third cousin, it was still a bird. Oh, let’s not forget Gary Coleman, who has an away gig as a body double for Kim Chong il, he swears that he didn’t see anything while at the ranch. Without a stepladder I suspect he’s being honest.
Ok, ok, that’s just the ‘good-ole-boys’ club taking care of each other, you muse. What about the women in his life? Don’t they go to show the character of this gentleman? As a matter of fact, I believe they actually do.
Who can forget wife number one, that paragon of virtue, that hunka, hunka burning love, Lisa Marie Presley. No marriage ever had the legitimacy of that one. Serious, it holds the record as the least legitimate marriage ever, well, of course, until the next one, but that’s being picky. Ok, ok, forget about the marriages, let’s examine the female friendships.
We can forgive Brooke Shields because, after all, with the bleached skin he does actually resemble Mickey Mouse. She got over that and married the only tennis player shorter than Gary Coleman. Believe me this is no dumb blond, have you seen those roots? Because I really like her, I’m going to cut her some slack.
Last and far from least, depending on the diet, you present the only lady we know living off royalties from a horse, Elizabeth Taylor. Other than that thing with Mickey Rooney, here is a woman that, oh, and the eight marriage thing, here is a woman that they have named a hospital wing after. Go ahead if you don’t believe me, go to Google and type in Betty Ford.
My point? Good point! You think it’s confusing, you should hear all those voices running around in my head hollering “abandon ship, abandon ship!”
It’s the parent’s; stupid . . . it’s the parents!
I need a drink.
T. Michael Barclay
Now give me a million dollars . . .
Something happened in my local area last week that sort of gave me hope in humankind. The police were called to a house because of loud noise. When they arrived they discovered fifty or more teenagers involved in a rather public ‘rave’. Upon further examination, they found the teenage daughter of the homeowner with alcohol. They promptly fined her Mother $1,000. My guess is that this will not happen again in either of their lives.
What exactly does this have to do with Michael Jackson, a whole lot! I do not sit in judgment of Mr. Jackson as I do not personally know him. However, considering the amount of smoke that emanates from his presence, I would not send a child of mine for a sleep-over at his house just to see if there was really a fire there.
This got me thinking about the profile of parents who would tuck a sleeping bag and a toothbrush under their child’s arm and drop them off at the front gate of Neverland. Not since the Marquis de Sade have I seen a group of people snatch disaster directly from the clutches of safety as much as the parents involved in these incidences. Who are these people and what other forms of distorted logic are they submitting their children to?
My survey shows that 12% of these parents were ‘crash test’ dummies, 28% were fuse testers in dynamite factories, 15 % participated in at least one demolition derby, 17% were rodeo clowns, 25% appeared on the Jerry Springer show, Two are still holding tickets for flights on the Hindenburg and one was an attorney, but had a change of heart and became a ‘bung-hole’ inspector at a brewery.
Need someone to test if you have the correct length for your ‘bungee’ cord? I’ve got some phone numbers in California for you to call. Testing children’s clothes for fire retardation? Look no further. Want to know how long a child can withstand an attack by a pack of Pit Bulls? Do you have room for a long line of volunteers?
Now, you say, can it really be as bad as all that? There are those, you add, that have come to the defense of Mr. Jackson. Let’s take a look at that:
First you offer that model of stability, Macaulay Culkin, whose Father is now working at that brewery I believe. They named him after a bird for Christ’s sake, be it a third cousin, it was still a bird. Oh, let’s not forget Gary Coleman, who has an away gig as a body double for Kim Chong il, he swears that he didn’t see anything while at the ranch. Without a stepladder I suspect he’s being honest.
Ok, ok, that’s just the ‘good-ole-boys’ club taking care of each other, you muse. What about the women in his life? Don’t they go to show the character of this gentleman? As a matter of fact, I believe they actually do.
Who can forget wife number one, that paragon of virtue, that hunka, hunka burning love, Lisa Marie Presley. No marriage ever had the legitimacy of that one. Serious, it holds the record as the least legitimate marriage ever, well, of course, until the next one, but that’s being picky. Ok, ok, forget about the marriages, let’s examine the female friendships.
We can forgive Brooke Shields because, after all, with the bleached skin he does actually resemble Mickey Mouse. She got over that and married the only tennis player shorter than Gary Coleman. Believe me this is no dumb blond, have you seen those roots? Because I really like her, I’m going to cut her some slack.
Last and far from least, depending on the diet, you present the only lady we know living off royalties from a horse, Elizabeth Taylor. Other than that thing with Mickey Rooney, here is a woman that, oh, and the eight marriage thing, here is a woman that they have named a hospital wing after. Go ahead if you don’t believe me, go to Google and type in Betty Ford.
My point? Good point! You think it’s confusing, you should hear all those voices running around in my head hollering “abandon ship, abandon ship!”
It’s the parent’s; stupid . . . it’s the parents!
I need a drink.
T. Michael Barclay
Monday, November 10, 2003
LITTLE BLIND SAMBO -
The School Board Gets A Time-Out . . .
Recently two long time teachers in a local East Texas school system were disciplined for remarks made to students. In the first situation the teacher used the term “Sambo” and when she declared that she wasn’t aware that that term had any negative connotations, she was given a one day suspension, with pay.
Isn’t that called a vacation?
In the second circumstance, the teacher referred to a student that would not follow instructions as a “wicked little monkey”. She was fired.
Isn’t that called ‘stupid’?
When a student or group of students become, “a persistent or annoying encumbrance or problem,” or “act in a grotesque or mischievous manner,” what do you refer to them as?
According to no less an authority than the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the proper term would be . . . “Monkey”.
Not so fast . . . Turns out that the school board may be on to something. This, as they so eloquently pointed out, is a travesty and a little research gets right to the bottom of this outlandish farce promulgated on us all.
It’s obvious that both Merriam and Webster were outright bigots and conspired to use unsuspecting Anglo teachers to further their cause. Just look at their definition of ‘monkey bars’ . . . “a three-dimensional framework of horizontal and vertical bars from which children can hang and swing”
How did that get by us? It’s an obvious attempt to promote the elimination of certain children.
And, did you notice that they define ‘mechanic’ as a “grease monkey”? Well, there goes auto shop as an elective.
Do the students in ROTC know that when they get in a formal military dining situation they will be issued a ‘monkey jacket’? Now, isn’t that an obvious attempt to determine who’s coming to dinner?
Even though they thought they would pull the wool over our eyes, we dug in and found out that when some people get older and can no longer be insulted by being called ‘monkeys,’ they simple defined their actions as, “monkey business”.
Wow, were those two clever or what?
Let’s look up the word ‘Sambo’. What, no such word? Does the school board have a dictionary? Seems that the term is a ‘proper’ name that even Merriam and Webster couldn’t disguise as a harmless noun. Wow, I bet the board didn’t know that.
Now, let’s talk about fair and objective discipline.
Oh, never mind, if you think the word monkey is a nefarious term and you bought the Sambo logic of the first teacher, anything I have to add is just going to go right over your heads.
T. Michael Barclay
The School Board Gets A Time-Out . . .
Recently two long time teachers in a local East Texas school system were disciplined for remarks made to students. In the first situation the teacher used the term “Sambo” and when she declared that she wasn’t aware that that term had any negative connotations, she was given a one day suspension, with pay.
Isn’t that called a vacation?
In the second circumstance, the teacher referred to a student that would not follow instructions as a “wicked little monkey”. She was fired.
Isn’t that called ‘stupid’?
When a student or group of students become, “a persistent or annoying encumbrance or problem,” or “act in a grotesque or mischievous manner,” what do you refer to them as?
According to no less an authority than the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the proper term would be . . . “Monkey”.
Not so fast . . . Turns out that the school board may be on to something. This, as they so eloquently pointed out, is a travesty and a little research gets right to the bottom of this outlandish farce promulgated on us all.
It’s obvious that both Merriam and Webster were outright bigots and conspired to use unsuspecting Anglo teachers to further their cause. Just look at their definition of ‘monkey bars’ . . . “a three-dimensional framework of horizontal and vertical bars from which children can hang and swing”
How did that get by us? It’s an obvious attempt to promote the elimination of certain children.
And, did you notice that they define ‘mechanic’ as a “grease monkey”? Well, there goes auto shop as an elective.
Do the students in ROTC know that when they get in a formal military dining situation they will be issued a ‘monkey jacket’? Now, isn’t that an obvious attempt to determine who’s coming to dinner?
Even though they thought they would pull the wool over our eyes, we dug in and found out that when some people get older and can no longer be insulted by being called ‘monkeys,’ they simple defined their actions as, “monkey business”.
Wow, were those two clever or what?
Let’s look up the word ‘Sambo’. What, no such word? Does the school board have a dictionary? Seems that the term is a ‘proper’ name that even Merriam and Webster couldn’t disguise as a harmless noun. Wow, I bet the board didn’t know that.
Now, let’s talk about fair and objective discipline.
Oh, never mind, if you think the word monkey is a nefarious term and you bought the Sambo logic of the first teacher, anything I have to add is just going to go right over your heads.
T. Michael Barclay
Thursday, November 06, 2003
A SUPERSTARS OPINION –
Or, Things I Hate . . . A Lot . . .
Being a writer, and I know I am because I recognize my writing, I know I posses a special gift. I also have a special gift in my ability to see things in a ‘literal’ sense and this tends to give it a humors spin. Together these gifts allow me to reach a lot of people and to, as is my intention, bring a little smile into their lives.
What I do not posses is the ability to think for everyone else.
If I had been given the special gift of acting, or singing, or playing a musical instrument, or all of these talents, it still would not have made me the all knowing sage and/or a divine profit, I would only be an actor, singer, musician, or possibly all of the above.
My opinion, expressed outside of my close circle of family and friends, should be restricted to what I have been blessed with, am good at and have the experience and expertise to comment on . . . nothing else.
Who cares, outside my close circle of family and friends, what my opinions on politics, religion and world affairs are?
Nobody . . . serious!
If I chose to make my opinions of these matters a matter of public record, what exactly would I accomplish? Well, first I would remove what little doubt there is that I have little knowledge in these areas. Second, I would make, at a minimum, at least 50% of my potential reading audience mad at me . . . and, that just doesn’t seem like a very good idea. And, lastly, I would add one more talent to my abilities . . . major irritant!
If there is one thing I know about people with the talent to act, sing or play an instrument, it is that they (we) didn’t study a lot. The reason we acted, sang or played an instrument was that we didn’t enjoy the learning process. We wanted to get on with creating whatever talent we have been gifted with and saw absolutely no use for Algebra, Calculus, Biology or History.
Unfortunately, as a future writer, I didn’t see much use in English . . . huge mistake.
Can someone with the disadvantage of being an actor, singer, musician or writer have an opinion or make a difference outside of their close circle of family and friends? Of course they can, it’s called voting!
Not to be confused with ‘shooting one’s mouth off,’ picking a well educated, professional politician and voting for them not only gives you a voice in political matters . . . it is the way the other 95% of normal working people do it.
If the average person’s opinion is only worth one vote, what in heaven’s sake makes an actor, singer, musician or writer think their opinion is worth more? What on earth makes ‘stars’ think thousands of people are sitting around waiting to get some kind of conservative or liberal marching orders from them?
Just how in the world could any of these talented people come to the conclusion that their opinion on politics, religion or world affairs would influence a million people in these matters and not influence them in their decision to purchase books, records/tapes, and movie/concert tickets?
Oh, that’s right . . . they never paid attention in Economics!
Do I write about these issues? Of course I do. However, there is a big difference between a humorous ‘observation’ and a purported educated attempt to affect decisions in these matters, even if both can be laughed at.
Well, that’s my opinion.
T. Michael Barclay
Or, Things I Hate . . . A Lot . . .
Being a writer, and I know I am because I recognize my writing, I know I posses a special gift. I also have a special gift in my ability to see things in a ‘literal’ sense and this tends to give it a humors spin. Together these gifts allow me to reach a lot of people and to, as is my intention, bring a little smile into their lives.
What I do not posses is the ability to think for everyone else.
If I had been given the special gift of acting, or singing, or playing a musical instrument, or all of these talents, it still would not have made me the all knowing sage and/or a divine profit, I would only be an actor, singer, musician, or possibly all of the above.
My opinion, expressed outside of my close circle of family and friends, should be restricted to what I have been blessed with, am good at and have the experience and expertise to comment on . . . nothing else.
Who cares, outside my close circle of family and friends, what my opinions on politics, religion and world affairs are?
Nobody . . . serious!
If I chose to make my opinions of these matters a matter of public record, what exactly would I accomplish? Well, first I would remove what little doubt there is that I have little knowledge in these areas. Second, I would make, at a minimum, at least 50% of my potential reading audience mad at me . . . and, that just doesn’t seem like a very good idea. And, lastly, I would add one more talent to my abilities . . . major irritant!
If there is one thing I know about people with the talent to act, sing or play an instrument, it is that they (we) didn’t study a lot. The reason we acted, sang or played an instrument was that we didn’t enjoy the learning process. We wanted to get on with creating whatever talent we have been gifted with and saw absolutely no use for Algebra, Calculus, Biology or History.
Unfortunately, as a future writer, I didn’t see much use in English . . . huge mistake.
Can someone with the disadvantage of being an actor, singer, musician or writer have an opinion or make a difference outside of their close circle of family and friends? Of course they can, it’s called voting!
Not to be confused with ‘shooting one’s mouth off,’ picking a well educated, professional politician and voting for them not only gives you a voice in political matters . . . it is the way the other 95% of normal working people do it.
If the average person’s opinion is only worth one vote, what in heaven’s sake makes an actor, singer, musician or writer think their opinion is worth more? What on earth makes ‘stars’ think thousands of people are sitting around waiting to get some kind of conservative or liberal marching orders from them?
Just how in the world could any of these talented people come to the conclusion that their opinion on politics, religion or world affairs would influence a million people in these matters and not influence them in their decision to purchase books, records/tapes, and movie/concert tickets?
Oh, that’s right . . . they never paid attention in Economics!
Do I write about these issues? Of course I do. However, there is a big difference between a humorous ‘observation’ and a purported educated attempt to affect decisions in these matters, even if both can be laughed at.
Well, that’s my opinion.
T. Michael Barclay
