Links
Archives
- 05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003
- 06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003
- 07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003
- 08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
- 09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
- 10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
- 11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
- 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
- 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
- 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
- 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
- 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
- 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
- 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
- 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
- 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
T. Michael Barclay's "Asylum Earth" takes a slightly different look at people, places and events that shape the planet we are confined to. It's overwhelming evidence that the patients are indeed running the asylum.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
THANKS FOR INVITING US OVER
Now, Please Sign This . . .
In order to save time and money, lots and lots of money, we wish to provide the following form for all parents with male children between the ages of one-half year and thirteen. Our personal experience has shown that we could have saved an average of $3,000 per visit had we implemented this little policy prior to our sons second birthday. It’s still not too late for you . . .
VISITATION DISCLAIMER
(AND HOLD HARMLESS AGREEMENT)
On this ____ (Day), of ________ (Month), ______ (Year), we, ________________________________ (hereafter known as ‘visiting parents’), pursuant to your _________________________________(Insert name of parents, guardians and/or caregivers involved, hereafter known as ‘victims’) invitation to have said ‘visiting parents’ visit said ‘victims and their family at, ________________________________ (Domicile of record), do agree, as witnessed by your signatures, fingerprints, and DNA samples enclosed, to hold the ‘visiting parents’ harmless for any damage, destruction and/or annihilation of any structure, household appliance, furnishing or living plant/pet, at the hands (or any other appendage) of our male child, _________________________ (Insert name of male child, hereafter known affectionately as the ‘Taz’).
This disclaimer covers, but is not limited to; anything with a knob, dial or toggle switch not enclosed in a keyed double lock cabinet and/or bullet proof glass enclosure, kitchen appliances with exposed electrical cords or like lamps, radios, clocks and/or vacuum cleaners, animals with hair, or animals without hair, but with ears, tail or any other appendage longer than one inch (2.54cm), computers (for God’s sake hid the computer), printers, fax machines, answering devices or camera’s with or without film, pots, pans, dishware, silverware (fine or plastic), collectables of any kind, but especially of a value exceeding $9.00, vases, flower pots, trophies, pictures (framed or not) and any wall covering not duly adhered with Super Glue™, furniture (especially the reclining type), tables, chairs, and, if you have bar stools, anything the ‘Taz’ can reach while standing on same and probing with a mop handle.
Should the ‘victims’ decide to provide food and/or refreshments (hereafter known as piling mistake on top of mistake), said ‘victims’ agree to hold the ‘visiting parents’ harmless for, spills, drips, dribbles, oppsies, dropped food, spitting and/or projectiles vomited accidentally or on purpose by the ‘Taz’. The ‘victims’ agree to provide the ‘Taz’ any required protective covering, including, but not limited to, bibs, napkins, paper towels, newspaper and/or room size tarpaulin if required. All food items and/or beverages will be provided at a temperature not to be considered by the ‘Taz’ as “Hot, hurt that baby”, “Cold, yuck!” or “just right, but I don’t really care” and the ‘visiting parents’ will accept no responsibility for any food or beverage item served to the ‘Taz’ that is green.
Should the ‘victims’ have one or more humans residing at said domicile of record that may be considered children, regardless of age, and said ‘children’ wish to and/or are allowed to ‘play’ with the ‘Taz’, the ‘visiting parents’ shall not be held accountable for any toys or garage tools irretrievably lodged in an orifice not heretofore intended for that purpose. Any shortages or overages in physical ‘toy’ inventory resulting from this activity will simply be classified in the, ‘Well, what did you expect’ category and result in no monetary claim against the ‘visiting parents’.
During the duration of said approved visit, the ‘victims’ agree to bare total responsibility for all instruments of writing, including, but not limited to, pencils, pens, crayons, lipstick, eyeliner, toothpaste, nail polish, or permanent marking freezer pens, and any surface, attached or portable, that may come into contact with said instruments of writing, including, but not limited to, load-baring walls, bed spreads, counter tops, photo albums, rare autographed books, couches, tables, TV screens (all sizes including plasma), glass surfaces, dishwasher interiors, curtains, and automobiles within a three square mile radius.
This agreement is not meant to be absolute in its coverage, but merely a broad guild line encompassing representative examples of similar activities deemed not too embarrassing to admit to by the ‘visiting parents’, but far from some behavior that, having been dealt with by local HASMET teams, has so baffled judges as high as the Supreme Court, that special dispensation has been given the ‘visiting parents’ allowing them to respond to requests for visits without divulging their results. By implication and the fact that the ‘Taz’ is prone to inventing new ways of wreaking havoc on a daily basis, the ‘victims’ are required to maintain adequate facility replacement insurance including, but not limited to, flooding (both internal and external), fire, wind, smoke, and a screaming case of, ‘something died in my diaper’, odor.
Once signed this agreement is irreversible and binding on the ‘victims’ and their surviving family members.
We look forward to our visit, thank you and have a nice day.
Signed: _____________________ Signed: ____________________
Visiting Parents Victims
Wordsmith
Now, Please Sign This . . .
In order to save time and money, lots and lots of money, we wish to provide the following form for all parents with male children between the ages of one-half year and thirteen. Our personal experience has shown that we could have saved an average of $3,000 per visit had we implemented this little policy prior to our sons second birthday. It’s still not too late for you . . .
VISITATION DISCLAIMER
(AND HOLD HARMLESS AGREEMENT)
On this ____ (Day), of ________ (Month), ______ (Year), we, ________________________________ (hereafter known as ‘visiting parents’), pursuant to your _________________________________(Insert name of parents, guardians and/or caregivers involved, hereafter known as ‘victims’) invitation to have said ‘visiting parents’ visit said ‘victims and their family at, ________________________________ (Domicile of record), do agree, as witnessed by your signatures, fingerprints, and DNA samples enclosed, to hold the ‘visiting parents’ harmless for any damage, destruction and/or annihilation of any structure, household appliance, furnishing or living plant/pet, at the hands (or any other appendage) of our male child, _________________________ (Insert name of male child, hereafter known affectionately as the ‘Taz’).
This disclaimer covers, but is not limited to; anything with a knob, dial or toggle switch not enclosed in a keyed double lock cabinet and/or bullet proof glass enclosure, kitchen appliances with exposed electrical cords or like lamps, radios, clocks and/or vacuum cleaners, animals with hair, or animals without hair, but with ears, tail or any other appendage longer than one inch (2.54cm), computers (for God’s sake hid the computer), printers, fax machines, answering devices or camera’s with or without film, pots, pans, dishware, silverware (fine or plastic), collectables of any kind, but especially of a value exceeding $9.00, vases, flower pots, trophies, pictures (framed or not) and any wall covering not duly adhered with Super Glue™, furniture (especially the reclining type), tables, chairs, and, if you have bar stools, anything the ‘Taz’ can reach while standing on same and probing with a mop handle.
Should the ‘victims’ decide to provide food and/or refreshments (hereafter known as piling mistake on top of mistake), said ‘victims’ agree to hold the ‘visiting parents’ harmless for, spills, drips, dribbles, oppsies, dropped food, spitting and/or projectiles vomited accidentally or on purpose by the ‘Taz’. The ‘victims’ agree to provide the ‘Taz’ any required protective covering, including, but not limited to, bibs, napkins, paper towels, newspaper and/or room size tarpaulin if required. All food items and/or beverages will be provided at a temperature not to be considered by the ‘Taz’ as “Hot, hurt that baby”, “Cold, yuck!” or “just right, but I don’t really care” and the ‘visiting parents’ will accept no responsibility for any food or beverage item served to the ‘Taz’ that is green.
Should the ‘victims’ have one or more humans residing at said domicile of record that may be considered children, regardless of age, and said ‘children’ wish to and/or are allowed to ‘play’ with the ‘Taz’, the ‘visiting parents’ shall not be held accountable for any toys or garage tools irretrievably lodged in an orifice not heretofore intended for that purpose. Any shortages or overages in physical ‘toy’ inventory resulting from this activity will simply be classified in the, ‘Well, what did you expect’ category and result in no monetary claim against the ‘visiting parents’.
During the duration of said approved visit, the ‘victims’ agree to bare total responsibility for all instruments of writing, including, but not limited to, pencils, pens, crayons, lipstick, eyeliner, toothpaste, nail polish, or permanent marking freezer pens, and any surface, attached or portable, that may come into contact with said instruments of writing, including, but not limited to, load-baring walls, bed spreads, counter tops, photo albums, rare autographed books, couches, tables, TV screens (all sizes including plasma), glass surfaces, dishwasher interiors, curtains, and automobiles within a three square mile radius.
This agreement is not meant to be absolute in its coverage, but merely a broad guild line encompassing representative examples of similar activities deemed not too embarrassing to admit to by the ‘visiting parents’, but far from some behavior that, having been dealt with by local HASMET teams, has so baffled judges as high as the Supreme Court, that special dispensation has been given the ‘visiting parents’ allowing them to respond to requests for visits without divulging their results. By implication and the fact that the ‘Taz’ is prone to inventing new ways of wreaking havoc on a daily basis, the ‘victims’ are required to maintain adequate facility replacement insurance including, but not limited to, flooding (both internal and external), fire, wind, smoke, and a screaming case of, ‘something died in my diaper’, odor.
Once signed this agreement is irreversible and binding on the ‘victims’ and their surviving family members.
We look forward to our visit, thank you and have a nice day.
Signed: _____________________ Signed: ____________________
Visiting Parents Victims
Wordsmith
Thursday, August 26, 2004
GETTING SMARTER –
Or, Everything I Should Have Know I Am Now Learning From My Two Year Old Son!
Like all parents we couldn’t wait until our son spoke his first words. What we didn’t know is that he was able to speak since he was about six months old, he just hadn’t heard anything that he thought would give him an advantage. Well, he had actually figured out that repeating ‘Mommy’ and ‘Daddy’ over and over was worth the price of popcorn watching his parents bump into each other and gush until dribble came out of the corners of their mouth’s, but since he wasn’t yet subject to corporal punishment, this trick wasn’t of any real value.
As he closed in on his second birthday, we began to notice that he could not only repeat the term ‘please’ (this of course came out more like ‘peas’), he had figured out that if he said it before he even indicated what it was he wanted, he stood a much better chance of getting it as Mom and Dad were so besides themselves they would forget of any logical reason he couldn’t have it. He ‘peased’ himself all over the house until the new wore off of that and we were beginning to restore some balance in what he could have and what he couldn’t have and the sound reasoning behind our decisions. This is when all of a sudden he began to say, ‘thank you’ (this came out, ‘tankum’, but he had done a real good job of teaching us, so we understood). Now he just added, ‘tankum’ to the ‘pease’ and we handed over cookies, juice, TV remotes and the family car keys.
Now, being his Dad, I had always thought that he was pulling one over on his Mother, but just didn’t want to crush her delusions of grandeur that we just had this incredibly polite child. Again, as time passed we began to accomplish the primary parents goal of getting our son to understand the we, the parents, were in charge and we made decisions about what he could have or do based on our knowledge and experience and that he, our child, should always respect our decisions and learn the fine art of obeying us.
This is when it dawned on me that our son thought that his Mother and Father were possibly the two dumbest humans to ever breed, and he had good reason.
Thinking that we had finally gotten him to understand that just asking for something and then launching into a pleading of ‘pease’ and ‘tankum’ was not always going to get him what he wanted, and certainly not going to keep him out of the dog-house when he did something wrong, I made the fatal mistake of telling him to go give his Mother a hug and tell her he was ‘sorry’ (here he managed to get an ‘L’ involved and announced to his Mother, ‘solly,’ which got him kisses and hugs galore). It did not take this child two minutes to figure out that his parents would not only describe in great detail what was right and what was wrong, they would also give him a way to get out of trouble when he just did whatever he wanted to in the first place. He could now just ‘pease’ and ‘tankum’ his heart out and when we forbid his request, he would just do it anyway and ‘solly’ the whole event under the rug. Not only that, he also knew that his parents would take until after his graduation from high school to figure out a way around the situation.
I can hardly wait to see what he does with, ‘excuse me’, ‘I didn’t know that’ and ‘the dog did it!’
Wordsmith
Or, Everything I Should Have Know I Am Now Learning From My Two Year Old Son!
Like all parents we couldn’t wait until our son spoke his first words. What we didn’t know is that he was able to speak since he was about six months old, he just hadn’t heard anything that he thought would give him an advantage. Well, he had actually figured out that repeating ‘Mommy’ and ‘Daddy’ over and over was worth the price of popcorn watching his parents bump into each other and gush until dribble came out of the corners of their mouth’s, but since he wasn’t yet subject to corporal punishment, this trick wasn’t of any real value.
As he closed in on his second birthday, we began to notice that he could not only repeat the term ‘please’ (this of course came out more like ‘peas’), he had figured out that if he said it before he even indicated what it was he wanted, he stood a much better chance of getting it as Mom and Dad were so besides themselves they would forget of any logical reason he couldn’t have it. He ‘peased’ himself all over the house until the new wore off of that and we were beginning to restore some balance in what he could have and what he couldn’t have and the sound reasoning behind our decisions. This is when all of a sudden he began to say, ‘thank you’ (this came out, ‘tankum’, but he had done a real good job of teaching us, so we understood). Now he just added, ‘tankum’ to the ‘pease’ and we handed over cookies, juice, TV remotes and the family car keys.
Now, being his Dad, I had always thought that he was pulling one over on his Mother, but just didn’t want to crush her delusions of grandeur that we just had this incredibly polite child. Again, as time passed we began to accomplish the primary parents goal of getting our son to understand the we, the parents, were in charge and we made decisions about what he could have or do based on our knowledge and experience and that he, our child, should always respect our decisions and learn the fine art of obeying us.
This is when it dawned on me that our son thought that his Mother and Father were possibly the two dumbest humans to ever breed, and he had good reason.
Thinking that we had finally gotten him to understand that just asking for something and then launching into a pleading of ‘pease’ and ‘tankum’ was not always going to get him what he wanted, and certainly not going to keep him out of the dog-house when he did something wrong, I made the fatal mistake of telling him to go give his Mother a hug and tell her he was ‘sorry’ (here he managed to get an ‘L’ involved and announced to his Mother, ‘solly,’ which got him kisses and hugs galore). It did not take this child two minutes to figure out that his parents would not only describe in great detail what was right and what was wrong, they would also give him a way to get out of trouble when he just did whatever he wanted to in the first place. He could now just ‘pease’ and ‘tankum’ his heart out and when we forbid his request, he would just do it anyway and ‘solly’ the whole event under the rug. Not only that, he also knew that his parents would take until after his graduation from high school to figure out a way around the situation.
I can hardly wait to see what he does with, ‘excuse me’, ‘I didn’t know that’ and ‘the dog did it!’
Wordsmith
Thursday, August 05, 2004
VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN -
Is A Vote for Bush Really a Vote for Hillary?
Look up the word ‘conundrum’ and you will find the definition as having a difficult problem, puzzle, mystery or challenge. You will also find a picture of yourself if you are a modern day voter. Allow me to expand on why this is the case.
Hillary Clinton is 57 years of age. George W. Bush is an incumbent or sitting President. Americans, with few exceptions, do not vote an incumbent President out of office. The Democratic machine didn’t want to take a chance of Hillary being defeated in this election and ruining her political chances four years from now. Hillary will be 61 years in age four years from now.
Thinking that they needed some fresh meat to feed the liberal masses, the Democratic hierarchy tagged John Kerry as their sacrificial lamb. The problem with this is that this is the same scenario they were in when they threw her husband, Bill into the fray against George’s father in an expected loosing cause in 1994. We don’t need to revisit what happened in that one.
So what difference does it make to conservatives if George WWW.Bush wins this time? Start with the fact that the Republicans will not be putting an incumbent or sitting Vice President up for the ‘hot-seat’ in 2008 and that pretty much levels the playing field for the Democrat’s. Hillary stands a much better chance of being elected against a conservative rookie presidential candidate.
Confused? Well, welcome to politics. If you as a conservative vote for George W. and he wins you can bet that Hillary will be riding the donkey in the Democratic parade in 2008. If you as a conservative vote for John Kerry, and he wins, you can bet with the odds that he will run again in 2008 and as history tells us, finish out his eight years. The Democrats would then have a sitting Vice President who would run for the ticket top spot. Hillary will be 65 years in age in 2012, a bit long in the tooth to be running for President.
Lest you think that the liberals have a Zantac free trade zone, look at their kettle of fish. If they vote for George, the get, well, George for four more years and at least three more Michael Moore films! If they vote for John Kerry, they get Teresa! And, while not exactly the wicked witch of the west wing, a loose cannon to say the least. So, they have a choice of the Ketchup Queen on the left or Hilla the Hun on the far left, not an enviable position I assure you.
That noise? It’s our founding Fathers rolling over in their graves . . .
Wordsmith
Is A Vote for Bush Really a Vote for Hillary?
Look up the word ‘conundrum’ and you will find the definition as having a difficult problem, puzzle, mystery or challenge. You will also find a picture of yourself if you are a modern day voter. Allow me to expand on why this is the case.
Hillary Clinton is 57 years of age. George W. Bush is an incumbent or sitting President. Americans, with few exceptions, do not vote an incumbent President out of office. The Democratic machine didn’t want to take a chance of Hillary being defeated in this election and ruining her political chances four years from now. Hillary will be 61 years in age four years from now.
Thinking that they needed some fresh meat to feed the liberal masses, the Democratic hierarchy tagged John Kerry as their sacrificial lamb. The problem with this is that this is the same scenario they were in when they threw her husband, Bill into the fray against George’s father in an expected loosing cause in 1994. We don’t need to revisit what happened in that one.
So what difference does it make to conservatives if George WWW.Bush wins this time? Start with the fact that the Republicans will not be putting an incumbent or sitting Vice President up for the ‘hot-seat’ in 2008 and that pretty much levels the playing field for the Democrat’s. Hillary stands a much better chance of being elected against a conservative rookie presidential candidate.
Confused? Well, welcome to politics. If you as a conservative vote for George W. and he wins you can bet that Hillary will be riding the donkey in the Democratic parade in 2008. If you as a conservative vote for John Kerry, and he wins, you can bet with the odds that he will run again in 2008 and as history tells us, finish out his eight years. The Democrats would then have a sitting Vice President who would run for the ticket top spot. Hillary will be 65 years in age in 2012, a bit long in the tooth to be running for President.
Lest you think that the liberals have a Zantac free trade zone, look at their kettle of fish. If they vote for George, the get, well, George for four more years and at least three more Michael Moore films! If they vote for John Kerry, they get Teresa! And, while not exactly the wicked witch of the west wing, a loose cannon to say the least. So, they have a choice of the Ketchup Queen on the left or Hilla the Hun on the far left, not an enviable position I assure you.
That noise? It’s our founding Fathers rolling over in their graves . . .
Wordsmith
